Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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