Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
