ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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