being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
