just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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