Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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