I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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