Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
