I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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