i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
