this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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