Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
