he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
