I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize