Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
