is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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