You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
