she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
