I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
