They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Ketchup is God's man juice
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
