I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
