Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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