I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
