rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
