just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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