just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
