Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
