I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
