i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did I show you my penis last night?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You are the jesus of drinking
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize