you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
