once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
