I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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