sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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