I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
