I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
