Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
