So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
