this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
