i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
