all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
