Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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