I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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