Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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