Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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