the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My cat gives me a boner
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
