i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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