hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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