I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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