Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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