I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
