he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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