Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
