she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
