I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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