by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
