The brown eye won't let me do that either.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
